Celeb Big Brother - The Movie

Yesterday’s task saw Big Brother challenge the housemates to film, direct and star in the very first Big Brother - The Movie.

Verne nearly missed the announcement after the Chili eating exploits from the night before, forced him to make an extra special long trip to the crapper.

What he didn’t need, after first having Coolio knock on the door to hurry him along was for petite lady Latoya quietly whispering through the door as to Vernes progress or his eta - estimated turd arrival

Anyways poor Verne emerged to a room full of giggling housemates and Coolio’s ever so discreet bellow ” want some ice for that!” But within only a matter on seconds poor Verne sped off at high speed, on his buggy, as another session of red hot chili ‘toilet’ peppering was imminent!

Probably the quote of the day was from Michelle Heaton on Verne’s marathon shitting session, who tactlessly blurted out:

“Who would have thought, he’d have that much shit in him?!”

She did however redeem this thoughtless quip with a very insightful prediction that as they’d be all dressed up for the fake premier viewing of the Celebrity Big Brother Movie that it would be interrupted mid way through by Davina and a surprise eviction! Spot on, now get your coat!

Back to the task and on Verne’s arrival back from the rest room he was immediately voted to be the Director of Big Brother the Movie.
So with video camera perched skillfully on his legs he began filming each housemate entering the big brother house.
Most of which was fairly uneventful bar the fact that Ulrika had a sly dig AGAIN at Terry’s branding of her as being the housemate with the biggest ego and faked a weird limp as if she was struggling to carry it.
This was the first indication that Ulrika had possibly slumped out of the wrong side of the bed.

It didn’t stop there as next was when Big Brother gave her a mini task whereby she could only speak in Swedish until Big Brother said otherwise and she immediately took advantage of this and was translated as saying “good I hate all of you!”

Followed up by an interview later on in the Diary Room. Where she stated that she didn’t think she should be there anymore and that the house dynamics had changed! Which to me translated as she doesn’t like any of the remaining housemates.

Anyway back to the Movie and each person had to prance about filling in their part in the Big Brother story so far, making a point of re-enacting any key flash points of their time in the house so far.
Which obviously involved some of the housemates having to step in and play the part of their now former housemates. (Tina, Mutya and Lucy)

Terry’s impression of Tina ffing and jeffin went down a storm with the on looking and laughing celebs (with a large cushion under his jumper, not the nicest of ways to portray your friend now was it Terry)

Then when a scene came about, which required a body double for Mutya, the housemates took the unusual decision to use a toy baby to stand in as the former suga BABE. (ahhhhhh, it’s just clicked!)

Verne then jumped from behind the Camera to do a weird cameo which ended in him sat in a high chair and deciding to do the freaking out like a baby impression which sounded as though he did this regularly.
It was really weird and very like a baby, but with wrinkles and facial hair!?

Verne didn’t stop there with his weirdness as later when re-inacting his pissed up antics of the other night, decided to us the baby doll Mutya to perform a super scary snogging re-inactment!
But Verne that didn’t actually happen now did it? and yet your sucking the face off that plastic doll!
Lot’s of concern looks and nervous laughter from the rest of his housemates as he man handled this poor defenseless Tiny Tears.
Hence, several complaints to Channel 4 today!

Ben finally felt it was time to take the piss out of Michelle and the whole BenChelle saga, by implying that she’d miss his flirting if she were to leave tonight. Much to Tommy’s enjoyment!
(Pity Tommy can’t entertain me in the slightest, god that man is boring.)

Two other micro tasks of mention was Coolio and Terry having to cuddle until further notice! This in the end went on for quite some time with Coolio really not digging this very non macho setup and Terry only adding to Coolios uncomfort by pretending to like it a bit too much.

Finally Latoya was forced to repeat everything that her housemates came out with! A golden opportunity to make another Jackson family member announce that they liked sleeping with kids, missed here!

The most this gormless bunch could produce was from MH again!
” I’m dying for a poo”

Where’s the likes of Avid Merion and Sacha Baron Cohen when you need them!

Verne finally finishes filming and handed in the camera for editing and before long the Celebs are all sat around the Television in their glad rags. And just as ‘The Oracle’ - Michelle Heaton had predicted, the film came to a sudden end and with it so did Ms Heatons time in the house. She looked a little gutted to be going, so much so that she nearly forgot to say goodbye to Latoya as she nervously bumbled her way to the exit.

After Michelles eviction what became of poor Ben? Well he did go into the diary room and mention that he felt that he has nobody to talk to now as he doesn’t really fit in with the lads. Although quick to point out they didn’t make him feel unwanted but he just didn’t click with any of them and purposely distanced himself from them whenever Coolio would walk the fine line of decency.

Coolio also took to the Diary Room and actually stated that he was gutted Michelle had gone and that he felt sorry for Ulrika.
(I just wanted to grab him by his graying braids as scream don’t feel too sorry for her, she’s fucked off to bed early because she can’t stand any of you.)

The day’s events end with the housemates sat round pretending to hold fake eviction interviews, which was very funny to watch as Terry and Verne both pushed their jokes to the point of serious and Ben and Coolio respectively weren’t sure how to take the abuse.

Another average day in the life of the housemate really!

Its Girls Vs Boys in the Celeb Big Brother House

It appears that the house is separate into two camps, and apparently its the men’s fault. After the four girls have been put up for eviction, eviction they all claim they are happy about, there has been an amazing divide within the celebrity big brother house. Tina Malone claims the boys have made it this way and Ulrika claiming that she cant’ bare to share the house with these male ego’s. But this was while sat on their beds bitching, where they seem to spend an awful lot of time? Isn’t this behaviour that has ostracised them from the group? Or is it just Ulrika and Tina are cocks?

Unfortunately I had a late dinner last night, and as I tucked into a lovely Mexican taco, I’m forced to hold it down as Ulrika talks about vaginal plastic surgery and Tina confirms, ‘my holes fine, I could lose a bit  of weight of me fanny’. Serious, as if watching her eat her toenails, pluck her beard and listen to her vile mouth wasn’t enough. I’m never eating again during that show, well at least not until saturday when surely Tina will be a goner!?

With the Oscar’s fast approaching last night saw two last ditch attempts to make the shortlist, Tommy in ‘Sleepy in Setee’ When Tommy’s car wash music went off which meant he was supposed to get up and go through the big brother car wash, Tommy ‘wakes up’, ”Is that the music?”, whilst making no attempt to move.  Coolio and Tommy flat refusal to jump through Big Brothers hoop prompted Terry to call Coolio a pussy, and that Compton wouldn’t be shit without guns, claiming, ‘You could cause a rule of terror with a balloon on a stick”, braver than me! Ulrika then put in an amazing performance in this year epic horror, ‘The Adams Family’, Ben Adams making a great fun task the most boring and rubbish one about, seriously if Michelle goes is there any point in him staying, can we just count them as one entity? He was told to scare one of the housemates, for half an hour he hid behind a sofa, until Ulrika clocked something was a miss and went to find Ben, as she entered the luxury bedroom, Ben literally boo’d her. Ulrika was so scared  she even said, ‘God you frightened me to death, was that your challenge, because god it worked, wow, scary,” He is pathetic.

The food task was failed again, with Coolio and Terry not bothering, and Verne and Michelle forced to eat a jar of hunny in four hours, causing them to throw up, the housemates needed the rest of the guys to pass. This included Tina ‘Im on channel 4 now, I’m not a hasbeen’ Malone and Terry Christian, whose ballet video had get more views than Verne and Ulrikas music video. Earlier in the day Tina claimed because she is in Shameless that more people will watch the video of a fat bird in a leotard than the video of a singing dwarf in a wig. They obviously didn’t, and as soon as they failed she said, ‘I told you, I’m going, told you about 40,000′ No you didn’t!?

Latoya however maxed her task, its got me thinking, condiments on ice, playing the giant piano from big, Michael Jackson covers, Tina’s got some good material building up for a variety show tour!!

Ulrika is breaking, and I urged you again, faithful viewers to keep her in the house, last night saw a discussion with the housemates about food esculate into Ulrika storming of and crying. Verne suggested that Mutya should be allowed to have a say in the shopping budget as she has a specific diet due to her vegetarian requirements. Verne didn’t raise his voice nor did he ”bully” Ulrika, he simply stood his ground about what he believed was right. This made Ulrika crack, and say she hates everyone in the house, and that shes begining to panic about being in there. If she walks the greedy bitch doesn’t get her pay day, and this a woman who suggested that Tina can get free surgery of a magazine if she writes an article about it deserves to have her greedy lot cut. This was the conversation that led to me only half me tea last night!

Quote of the Day 14: Coolio Classic

Coolio to Verne, ”Hey cous, do you fancy a wrestle?”