Celebrity Big Brother Dares

I always feel robbed when the episode is amalgamated with bits of the previous nights live feed, and feel as though im repeating myself, but we did see some glimpses of Big Brothers genius last night, the reasons we love it so much, the dares. Each contestant having to man up and outdo each other, each task testing there humility, each dare utterly beautiful.

The show began with some beautiful words by the now tame and retiring Coolio, is he playing a game or has the removal of his enemies just calmed him down? We joined him in the diary room where BB grilled him about who he believed deserved to win the competition. He kept true to his American treaty and talked majestically about how, ‘Latyoa had become a butterfly, but she already was a butterfly and then she went into another cocoon and now she is another beautiful butterfly and Verne he to is a butterfly too and definitely not a cocoon, no he is a mosquito, actually a dragonfly cos they’re beautiful too” Either Coolio has smuggled some drugs in or we need to smuggle some in for him!!

The house mates must of sensed that it was Latoya’s last night because they chose to grill her on Wacko’s songs, what is dirty Diana about? and Billie Jean? Coolio seems to thing he will get to meet Janet and Mike and maybe even Tito who he used to be when they played Jackson 5. What? He played Jackson 5? What did that game entail, did his parents work him to the bone whilst making loads of money off it?

Turns out Coolio had been invited to neverland once but his car broke down and he couldn’t make it, more scarily Verne too had been invited!? Wonder why he chose not to go? Wise boy, I mean, man. Tommy also grilled poor Latoya about neverland and the rumours that Michael Jackson could no longer afford to keep it? Latoya seemed angered by all this in a typical Latoya way, so much so that you could nearly tell, but she did reveal that Jacko hadn’t been back to the ranch since his trial for accused child molestation.

Then it was into the dares, the bulk of the show. Big Brother revealed that for each dare completed the celebrities would win a token, and for each dare taken and not completed the contestant would be sent to jail. The celebs had to decide when and who would do the dares, with only Ulrika moaning about the potential embarrassment factor, asking ”Is no-one else nervous?” It fell upon fellow Manc Terry to step up to the plate as the other house mates didn’t exactly jump at the chance to do the first dare. Terry was sent into a room where a twenty odd stone man who had been sat on a exercise bike riding proffered his armpit. Terry had to lick it, rank, making him gag, as Ulrika claimed ”I’d of done that…That was easy, I’ll get a horrible one, bet you” then claiming Terry didn’t lick it, he just sniffed it, Fuck off Ulrika, seriously you are a nob.

The 2nd dare was just wrong, making a Jackson, pop royalty become a window licker, licking gentlemen’s relish was heinously wrong, yet slightly erotic, especially for Coolio as she described the taste and consistency, ”It’s so thick and salty” all wrong! But fair play to Latoya, nuff respect, once again she boshed of her task like everyone of them she was given, a truly beautiful cocoon like butterfly display.

Coolio and Verne had fairly easy tasks, Coolio dipping himself in a bath of soup and Verne blowing a balloon until it burst, Coolio needs to get used to these sort of stupid tasks for when him and Terry are presenting the Word. Coolio was a bit of a drama queen, and moaned he always gets the worst task. BB using the opportunity to make him look a prick by dressing him up in an awful swim suit. But then he showed us again that he is not just a gun shooting, hoe hollaring, G, as the rest of the house mates giggled at Verne whilst he attempted to blow up his Balloon it was only Coolio who offered to help him. Vote Coolio. Ulrika’s task was so lame we didn’t even get to watch it. Don’t Vote Ulrika.

Then came Adams, before he was called Coolio quizzed him whether he, ”Would eat fried dog penis?” Ben claiming it depended on how big it was. His actual task saw him having to kiss an old woman for five seconds on the lips, when he was told Ben, the legend, asked whether she was fit!? causing Coolio to scream at the big screen what surely everyone is feeling, ”I fucking hate that guy, cos he’s all nice and shit” and then after Ben thanked the old lady for the kiss, Coolio reiterated ‘I fucking hate him.” Funny, the other house mates presuming he was joking but he blatantly meant every word.

Tommy was last and having to down three shots of slush in under a minute, he suffered with brain freeze, a phenomena that seemed to be incomprehensible for Terry, as Ulrika patronised him, saying, ”We couldn’t afford Ice Cream” again accusing Terry of playing on his working class hero status, she’s such a vile person. Inevitably Tommy was sent to jail and not for the first time, but he got a slamming sleeping suit out of it!! That was mint. Check this shit out! http://www.amazon.co.uk/Lippi-Wearable-Sleeping-Version-GREEN-LARGE/dp/B001GCOEGC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=sports&qid=1232709181&sr=8-1

Just before Latoya was evicted Big Brother grilled her about her time in the house and she mentioned that how at the start every morning leaving her room was a challenge and that it scared her, mental how much she tested herself and she believes it has changed her for life, stuff like washing the dishes and clothes, stuff that she had in the past had other people do for her. Wow its great to see that BB can have a positive effect on peoples lives, and when asked whether she would clean her socks in the future when leaving the house she said, ‘no’ after a weird pause, so no change actually then, right, okay. When she was evicted it was nice to see Ulrika’s compassionate side re-emerge as Latoya headed for the door she shouted after her, ”If you see my husband tell him I love him” so selfless. As Verne claimed he thought she would win Ulrika was quick to say she didn’t.

Next to go was Tommy, and probably for the best as the male bonding was verging on homosexuality in that house, as he left Verne thanked him while Terry and Coolio complimented his exit outfit, abstractly Ulrika listened to the crowd reaction and practically came when they booed, considering they had been at loggerheads on a few occasions it boded well for her, something tells me Ulrika thinks she is going to win this show, and someone best prove me wrong.

After a few drinks Verne was bombing round the living quarters trying to run people down, standard, while Ulrika talked of her pride at being the last woman standing in the diary room, it was at this moment Coolio decided to grab Verne alone and plant the seed of hatred. With a drunk Verne at his mercy Coolio told him that Ulrika was well happy at Latoya being voted off. The show ended at that point but will Coolio enrage the ”mad dwarf” and leave tonight’s viewing with a little bit of bite.

Ulrika to win.

Jackson and Sheridan Evicted From The Celeb Big Brother House in Double Eviction.

And then there was five! The double eviction left me bewildered, not so much with surprise that Tommy and Latoya are no longer house mates, Tommy was a cert and Latoya is understandable yet unwarranted, but the shock came when hearing the crowd reactions to the remaining house mates! It scares me to hear Ben Adams name cheered!! What is there to cheer, both evictees said that Ben was sweet, a nice guy, we all know that nice guys don’t win and I really hope this one doesn’t.

It looks like Terry, my personal favourite, has done enough to enrage the mob, I know Boo’s are standard but I think his affiliation with Coolio may be detrimental to his chances of taking the title. I’ve personally been writing to channel 4 with regards to these two, and I’m demanding they bring back ”The Word” with Terry and Coolio presenting, they are hilarious together! Seems like Verne, bookies favourite from the start is set to take the title, granted he’s a nice guy who takes on the challenge of his disability great but has he been the most interesting and entertaining house mate?

Last nights show started with Ulrika finally admitting that she would be happy to make the final and that it would in fact make her feel proud. She is clearly enjoying the potential fact that she is loved outside the house, and for the first time last night after a live eviction she didn’t cry when not booted out, practically carrying Latoya to the door and offering Tommy a sympathetic pat on the back respectively. It appears she’s now relishing the challenge of taking on the boys, and with her perceptive awareness of the viewing public maybe she will play the feminist role and take the boys head on in the closing days!? Already playing the victim card, ”If I had a heart attack in the corner I don’t think anyone of them would know.” It was Ulrika don’t forget that caused the original division in the house. I pray she doesn’t win, but with women her age being the majority of the voting public, each night I sleep I cry a little at the thought of Queen Ulrika!

The shopping task had an American theme, due to the Inauguration of Obamma, this meant some fun tasks for the house mates to take on, A pie eating competition for Terry and Ulrika, looked positively disgusting, Ulrika eating a pie with no hands may help with those feminist votes though. Terry and Ulrika failed this task but were the only ones which meant the house mates have a luxury shopping budget for the last three days, surely with so fewer house mates and so much money booze will be in abundance, let the good times role Verne.

Ben and Latoya were given a rodeo task, how fun, they got to mess around on a bucking bronco for the majority of the day, but boring Ben on receiving the task was moaning, even attempting to make that guy banterful is impossible. ”Ben today we are going to give you a million pounds, seven lap dancers a puppy dog and a gun”, still Ben would manage to bore me.

Coolio and Verne took to the road with a route 66 themed bike challenge which saw big brother jump at the chance to dress up/down Verne again! The boys had to do 500 laps of a circuit constructed in the garden, with 74 laps taking an hour and Verne suffering from chronic pain when just walking surely Big Brother may have underestimated the severity of this task causing Verne to literally drop out, much against his will to receive special treatment, awwww bless, how cute. It must have taken Coolio about 4 hours to complete the 500 laps, and I’m sure the fellow contestants were indebted to BB for the break.

Tommy who lets be honest was a boring house mate now, apart from the embarrassing Dad, ‘yo man’ touch shit with Coolio, that stuff was cringe worthy even for Westwood. He had a task of hitting baseballs, which he did with aplomb, there is no doubting his competitive spirit which leads me to think that although he claimed to Davina he wasn’t disappointed to leave, I’m sure in his heart of hearts he would have loved to of won. The needle between him and Ulrika probably the best moments in the house, although he did look good when they dressed him up, and his Latoya impression made me giggle early doors. His parting gift to the house was a Burger and Fries meal for seven after he hit a home run during his challenge.

Oh no, his parting gift was a swipe at America which took a gloss off the inauguration ceremony for the American house mates. After the Americans had requested that they were allowed to watch this life changing moment claiming that no matter if you were black or white it was a massive day for Americans, as Coolio, Latoya and Verne sat on the chair, left to right like a perfect colour scheme for this statement. As the video played Coolio was full of pride, and tears were imminent, a pat on the back from even Ulrika showing the seriousness of this moment, the celebrities fell silent for the best part of half an hour, Coolio sat fist raised a ‘la Jessie James. Then came Tommy bounding in with, ”At long last a president you can be proud of’.” Latoya and Verne incensed by his comments, maybe its for the best that Tommy has gone, cos the next time Verne gets drunk be sure it will come up!

Coolio showed his sensitive side after laughing in front of his fellow squatters, going to the bedroom to cry to himself and later stating to big brother that, ”He’s never felt this way, about a grown man in his life” Maybe fuelling the rumours Tommy was trying to get going with Davina that Coolio was a gay, but Coolio redeemed his manly-ness with a heroic statement, ”…I’d take a bullet for him”.

Tommy maybe shouldn’t be throwing out gay slurs considering his interview consisted of, ”I’ve played football my whole life, I like hanging around with other men.” and that, ”Ben’s a lovely looking guy.”

At this point I would like to lay salute to Latoya, who took on every task with vigour and I think she was great. I don’t think she would of minded staying there for another month and I expect her to have a ten minute slot on the Terry and Coolio show in which she is given a new task every week, there will also be a ten minute slot which involves Verne, a free bar, a donkey and some blow up dolls.

Chow!

Celeb Big Brother - The Movie

Yesterday’s task saw Big Brother challenge the housemates to film, direct and star in the very first Big Brother - The Movie.

Verne nearly missed the announcement after the Chili eating exploits from the night before, forced him to make an extra special long trip to the crapper.

What he didn’t need, after first having Coolio knock on the door to hurry him along was for petite lady Latoya quietly whispering through the door as to Vernes progress or his eta - estimated turd arrival

Anyways poor Verne emerged to a room full of giggling housemates and Coolio’s ever so discreet bellow ” want some ice for that!” But within only a matter on seconds poor Verne sped off at high speed, on his buggy, as another session of red hot chili ‘toilet’ peppering was imminent!

Probably the quote of the day was from Michelle Heaton on Verne’s marathon shitting session, who tactlessly blurted out:

“Who would have thought, he’d have that much shit in him?!”

She did however redeem this thoughtless quip with a very insightful prediction that as they’d be all dressed up for the fake premier viewing of the Celebrity Big Brother Movie that it would be interrupted mid way through by Davina and a surprise eviction! Spot on, now get your coat!

Back to the task and on Verne’s arrival back from the rest room he was immediately voted to be the Director of Big Brother the Movie.
So with video camera perched skillfully on his legs he began filming each housemate entering the big brother house.
Most of which was fairly uneventful bar the fact that Ulrika had a sly dig AGAIN at Terry’s branding of her as being the housemate with the biggest ego and faked a weird limp as if she was struggling to carry it.
This was the first indication that Ulrika had possibly slumped out of the wrong side of the bed.

It didn’t stop there as next was when Big Brother gave her a mini task whereby she could only speak in Swedish until Big Brother said otherwise and she immediately took advantage of this and was translated as saying “good I hate all of you!”

Followed up by an interview later on in the Diary Room. Where she stated that she didn’t think she should be there anymore and that the house dynamics had changed! Which to me translated as she doesn’t like any of the remaining housemates.

Anyway back to the Movie and each person had to prance about filling in their part in the Big Brother story so far, making a point of re-enacting any key flash points of their time in the house so far.
Which obviously involved some of the housemates having to step in and play the part of their now former housemates. (Tina, Mutya and Lucy)

Terry’s impression of Tina ffing and jeffin went down a storm with the on looking and laughing celebs (with a large cushion under his jumper, not the nicest of ways to portray your friend now was it Terry)

Then when a scene came about, which required a body double for Mutya, the housemates took the unusual decision to use a toy baby to stand in as the former suga BABE. (ahhhhhh, it’s just clicked!)

Verne then jumped from behind the Camera to do a weird cameo which ended in him sat in a high chair and deciding to do the freaking out like a baby impression which sounded as though he did this regularly.
It was really weird and very like a baby, but with wrinkles and facial hair!?

Verne didn’t stop there with his weirdness as later when re-inacting his pissed up antics of the other night, decided to us the baby doll Mutya to perform a super scary snogging re-inactment!
But Verne that didn’t actually happen now did it? and yet your sucking the face off that plastic doll!
Lot’s of concern looks and nervous laughter from the rest of his housemates as he man handled this poor defenseless Tiny Tears.
Hence, several complaints to Channel 4 today!

Ben finally felt it was time to take the piss out of Michelle and the whole BenChelle saga, by implying that she’d miss his flirting if she were to leave tonight. Much to Tommy’s enjoyment!
(Pity Tommy can’t entertain me in the slightest, god that man is boring.)

Two other micro tasks of mention was Coolio and Terry having to cuddle until further notice! This in the end went on for quite some time with Coolio really not digging this very non macho setup and Terry only adding to Coolios uncomfort by pretending to like it a bit too much.

Finally Latoya was forced to repeat everything that her housemates came out with! A golden opportunity to make another Jackson family member announce that they liked sleeping with kids, missed here!

The most this gormless bunch could produce was from MH again!
” I’m dying for a poo”

Where’s the likes of Avid Merion and Sacha Baron Cohen when you need them!

Verne finally finishes filming and handed in the camera for editing and before long the Celebs are all sat around the Television in their glad rags. And just as ‘The Oracle’ - Michelle Heaton had predicted, the film came to a sudden end and with it so did Ms Heatons time in the house. She looked a little gutted to be going, so much so that she nearly forgot to say goodbye to Latoya as she nervously bumbled her way to the exit.

After Michelles eviction what became of poor Ben? Well he did go into the diary room and mention that he felt that he has nobody to talk to now as he doesn’t really fit in with the lads. Although quick to point out they didn’t make him feel unwanted but he just didn’t click with any of them and purposely distanced himself from them whenever Coolio would walk the fine line of decency.

Coolio also took to the Diary Room and actually stated that he was gutted Michelle had gone and that he felt sorry for Ulrika.
(I just wanted to grab him by his graying braids as scream don’t feel too sorry for her, she’s fucked off to bed early because she can’t stand any of you.)

The day’s events end with the housemates sat round pretending to hold fake eviction interviews, which was very funny to watch as Terry and Verne both pushed their jokes to the point of serious and Ben and Coolio respectively weren’t sure how to take the abuse.

Another average day in the life of the housemate really!

Its Girls Vs Boys in the Celeb Big Brother House

It appears that the house is separate into two camps, and apparently its the men’s fault. After the four girls have been put up for eviction, eviction they all claim they are happy about, there has been an amazing divide within the celebrity big brother house. Tina Malone claims the boys have made it this way and Ulrika claiming that she cant’ bare to share the house with these male ego’s. But this was while sat on their beds bitching, where they seem to spend an awful lot of time? Isn’t this behaviour that has ostracised them from the group? Or is it just Ulrika and Tina are cocks?

Unfortunately I had a late dinner last night, and as I tucked into a lovely Mexican taco, I’m forced to hold it down as Ulrika talks about vaginal plastic surgery and Tina confirms, ‘my holes fine, I could lose a bit  of weight of me fanny’. Serious, as if watching her eat her toenails, pluck her beard and listen to her vile mouth wasn’t enough. I’m never eating again during that show, well at least not until saturday when surely Tina will be a goner!?

With the Oscar’s fast approaching last night saw two last ditch attempts to make the shortlist, Tommy in ‘Sleepy in Setee’ When Tommy’s car wash music went off which meant he was supposed to get up and go through the big brother car wash, Tommy ‘wakes up’, ”Is that the music?”, whilst making no attempt to move.  Coolio and Tommy flat refusal to jump through Big Brothers hoop prompted Terry to call Coolio a pussy, and that Compton wouldn’t be shit without guns, claiming, ‘You could cause a rule of terror with a balloon on a stick”, braver than me! Ulrika then put in an amazing performance in this year epic horror, ‘The Adams Family’, Ben Adams making a great fun task the most boring and rubbish one about, seriously if Michelle goes is there any point in him staying, can we just count them as one entity? He was told to scare one of the housemates, for half an hour he hid behind a sofa, until Ulrika clocked something was a miss and went to find Ben, as she entered the luxury bedroom, Ben literally boo’d her. Ulrika was so scared  she even said, ‘God you frightened me to death, was that your challenge, because god it worked, wow, scary,” He is pathetic.

The food task was failed again, with Coolio and Terry not bothering, and Verne and Michelle forced to eat a jar of hunny in four hours, causing them to throw up, the housemates needed the rest of the guys to pass. This included Tina ‘Im on channel 4 now, I’m not a hasbeen’ Malone and Terry Christian, whose ballet video had get more views than Verne and Ulrikas music video. Earlier in the day Tina claimed because she is in Shameless that more people will watch the video of a fat bird in a leotard than the video of a singing dwarf in a wig. They obviously didn’t, and as soon as they failed she said, ‘I told you, I’m going, told you about 40,000′ No you didn’t!?

Latoya however maxed her task, its got me thinking, condiments on ice, playing the giant piano from big, Michael Jackson covers, Tina’s got some good material building up for a variety show tour!!

Ulrika is breaking, and I urged you again, faithful viewers to keep her in the house, last night saw a discussion with the housemates about food esculate into Ulrika storming of and crying. Verne suggested that Mutya should be allowed to have a say in the shopping budget as she has a specific diet due to her vegetarian requirements. Verne didn’t raise his voice nor did he ”bully” Ulrika, he simply stood his ground about what he believed was right. This made Ulrika crack, and say she hates everyone in the house, and that shes begining to panic about being in there. If she walks the greedy bitch doesn’t get her pay day, and this a woman who suggested that Tina can get free surgery of a magazine if she writes an article about it deserves to have her greedy lot cut. This was the conversation that led to me only half me tea last night!