Celeb Big Brother - The Movie

Yesterday’s task saw Big Brother challenge the housemates to film, direct and star in the very first Big Brother - The Movie.

Verne nearly missed the announcement after the Chili eating exploits from the night before, forced him to make an extra special long trip to the crapper.

What he didn’t need, after first having Coolio knock on the door to hurry him along was for petite lady Latoya quietly whispering through the door as to Vernes progress or his eta - estimated turd arrival

Anyways poor Verne emerged to a room full of giggling housemates and Coolio’s ever so discreet bellow ” want some ice for that!” But within only a matter on seconds poor Verne sped off at high speed, on his buggy, as another session of red hot chili ‘toilet’ peppering was imminent!

Probably the quote of the day was from Michelle Heaton on Verne’s marathon shitting session, who tactlessly blurted out:

“Who would have thought, he’d have that much shit in him?!”

She did however redeem this thoughtless quip with a very insightful prediction that as they’d be all dressed up for the fake premier viewing of the Celebrity Big Brother Movie that it would be interrupted mid way through by Davina and a surprise eviction! Spot on, now get your coat!

Back to the task and on Verne’s arrival back from the rest room he was immediately voted to be the Director of Big Brother the Movie.
So with video camera perched skillfully on his legs he began filming each housemate entering the big brother house.
Most of which was fairly uneventful bar the fact that Ulrika had a sly dig AGAIN at Terry’s branding of her as being the housemate with the biggest ego and faked a weird limp as if she was struggling to carry it.
This was the first indication that Ulrika had possibly slumped out of the wrong side of the bed.

It didn’t stop there as next was when Big Brother gave her a mini task whereby she could only speak in Swedish until Big Brother said otherwise and she immediately took advantage of this and was translated as saying “good I hate all of you!”

Followed up by an interview later on in the Diary Room. Where she stated that she didn’t think she should be there anymore and that the house dynamics had changed! Which to me translated as she doesn’t like any of the remaining housemates.

Anyway back to the Movie and each person had to prance about filling in their part in the Big Brother story so far, making a point of re-enacting any key flash points of their time in the house so far.
Which obviously involved some of the housemates having to step in and play the part of their now former housemates. (Tina, Mutya and Lucy)

Terry’s impression of Tina ffing and jeffin went down a storm with the on looking and laughing celebs (with a large cushion under his jumper, not the nicest of ways to portray your friend now was it Terry)

Then when a scene came about, which required a body double for Mutya, the housemates took the unusual decision to use a toy baby to stand in as the former suga BABE. (ahhhhhh, it’s just clicked!)

Verne then jumped from behind the Camera to do a weird cameo which ended in him sat in a high chair and deciding to do the freaking out like a baby impression which sounded as though he did this regularly.
It was really weird and very like a baby, but with wrinkles and facial hair!?

Verne didn’t stop there with his weirdness as later when re-inacting his pissed up antics of the other night, decided to us the baby doll Mutya to perform a super scary snogging re-inactment!
But Verne that didn’t actually happen now did it? and yet your sucking the face off that plastic doll!
Lot’s of concern looks and nervous laughter from the rest of his housemates as he man handled this poor defenseless Tiny Tears.
Hence, several complaints to Channel 4 today!

Ben finally felt it was time to take the piss out of Michelle and the whole BenChelle saga, by implying that she’d miss his flirting if she were to leave tonight. Much to Tommy’s enjoyment!
(Pity Tommy can’t entertain me in the slightest, god that man is boring.)

Two other micro tasks of mention was Coolio and Terry having to cuddle until further notice! This in the end went on for quite some time with Coolio really not digging this very non macho setup and Terry only adding to Coolios uncomfort by pretending to like it a bit too much.

Finally Latoya was forced to repeat everything that her housemates came out with! A golden opportunity to make another Jackson family member announce that they liked sleeping with kids, missed here!

The most this gormless bunch could produce was from MH again!
” I’m dying for a poo”

Where’s the likes of Avid Merion and Sacha Baron Cohen when you need them!

Verne finally finishes filming and handed in the camera for editing and before long the Celebs are all sat around the Television in their glad rags. And just as ‘The Oracle’ - Michelle Heaton had predicted, the film came to a sudden end and with it so did Ms Heatons time in the house. She looked a little gutted to be going, so much so that she nearly forgot to say goodbye to Latoya as she nervously bumbled her way to the exit.

After Michelles eviction what became of poor Ben? Well he did go into the diary room and mention that he felt that he has nobody to talk to now as he doesn’t really fit in with the lads. Although quick to point out they didn’t make him feel unwanted but he just didn’t click with any of them and purposely distanced himself from them whenever Coolio would walk the fine line of decency.

Coolio also took to the Diary Room and actually stated that he was gutted Michelle had gone and that he felt sorry for Ulrika.
(I just wanted to grab him by his graying braids as scream don’t feel too sorry for her, she’s fucked off to bed early because she can’t stand any of you.)

The day’s events end with the housemates sat round pretending to hold fake eviction interviews, which was very funny to watch as Terry and Verne both pushed their jokes to the point of serious and Ben and Coolio respectively weren’t sure how to take the abuse.

Another average day in the life of the housemate really!

Coolio bully or bullied?

As Coolio turns up the heat in the house for a further day, Big Brother finally calls him in as the B word is uttered by more than one or two of the Celeb Big Brother Housemates on Day 14.

Big Brother issued an early morning 2 - day task probably in an attempt to distract Coolio from winding up his fellow house mates and possibly saving their sanity.

The Task consisted of all of the housemates dressing up as life size toys!

Coolio and Tommy were dressed as Toy Cars
They had to go through a make shift car wash where they were squirted with water and foam which will no doubt get to Coolio as that shit just ain’t gangster enough. Think he might have to car jack Tommy to keep his credibility in tact! Having the cars strapped to themselves wore very thin on their patience and the thought of sleeping in them lead Coolio to state that he thought they should tell Big Brother to Fuck Off!

Tina and Terry were Ballerinas in a toy music box.
Terry, making no effort to suck it up, even slipped a bit of nipple for the ladies watchin out there!
Poor Tina’s wasn’t given the luxury of an oversized Tutu to help distract from her love handles either with tight leotards the order of the day for this pairing!

Michelle Heaton and Verne Troyer were given Teddy Bear costumes and were challenged to eat a large tub of Honey in under four hours. With Heaton letting rip with a flurry of bottom burps it looked as though she couldn’t literally couldn’t bear to eat any more and complained that she’d be sick before the 4 hours were up. Verne reminded me of a certain bear from Hamstead Heath exept Chelle didn’t manage to make his tail pop out!

The others had tasks set for the next day.

Ulrika - Pocahontas
LaToya - Toy Solider
Ben - A Dinosaur (Coolio ” Nah he be a Weaksaurus?!?)
Mutya - A Toy Doll

Another rule of the Task involved all of the house mates and was signalled by the noise of Children being played over the speakers. When this happened all of the Celebrity Toys must run into the toy box and keep still.

What most of the mothers in the house did not know is that big brother actually sent in real children to run around the box making a really annoying sound. This of course effected the mothers and they cried for this reminded them of their own noisy kids back home.

Mutya spoke! She has really started to come out of her shell and it’s only taken the best part of 2 weeks! She hissed that Big Brother was making Clowns of them all. However there wasn’t any actual Clowns amoung them, unless MJ had snuck in when those kids were running round screaming???

ANYWAYS!

After the Toy task novelty had started to wear off Coolio started to turn on, the attack that is!  The nominations were broadcasted to the housemate later on in the day. Any the Ladies took a hell of a beating!

Everyone of them bar the pointy nosed playboy pinup, were up for eviction, and not one of them took the news well. Each one putting on a completely transparent “Yes that’s exactly what I wanted to happen face!” with Tina even managing to throw out a rather half hearted air punch of delight.

But there’s a certain facial expression that us humans simply cannot  hide (no matter how much botox has been rammed into their Chevy Chase)
The look that says! Which back stabbing FUCKER doesn’t like me in this room!

This look seems to be accentuated in Celebrities as their ego’s fuel the spasms in their facial muscles making all sorts of wrinkles where wrinkles shouldn’t be!

What followed was a flurry of lame excused from the most effected of the foursome, Tina stated that she didn’t stand a chance of winning as only nice people ever win Big Brother.

Followed by Ulrika stating that being nominated was a doubled edged sword in that she really wanted to go but was still peeved that someone had taken enough of a dislike to her to put her up in the first place!

Coolio breaking the tension with an outburst that Big Brother must have removed him from the list of nominees as a punishment as he expected to be named!

Before resuming normal proceedings by getting up into the faces of Ulrika and Michelle singing that they be taking their asses out of here!

Which lead to the B word being uttered!
First Ulrika and then a teary eyed Michelle calling Coolio, vile, intimidating and a BULLY.

Straight into the Diary Room for Coolio as Big Brother/Producers started to flap as no doubt the phones in the offices started to ring off the hook with complaints directed at Coolios not so cool behaviour.

Only for Coolio to drop the bombshell that he himself was bullied as a child and that there was no way he’d inflict that on another housemate having been mentally scarred by this as a child.

He got the customary slap of the wrist to which he retorted that it was complete bullshit and that he would just have to resort to being completely quiet. He then proceeded to burst out of the Diary Room and announce to the house “Coolio is shutting it down, I’m in my shell, consider me a Turtle!”
Followed by an Elvis like goodbye “Ladies and Gentlemen, Coolio’s personality has left the building”

Next followed a quick word in the ear for Heaton from Big Brother and she was asked if she’d consider talking things over with Coolio, resisting at first but finally smoothing things over - for now!

However Coolio still has it in for Ulrika stating that she doesn’t like him and that she talks about him behind his back. Fighting talk watch this space!

All the while this is going on Verne in his electric cart decide to challenge Tommy dressed as a car, to some sort of fucked up drag race which was mildly amusing.

With Honey still in the pot and with the cars not making it to be washed once already this looks like another lost chance for the celebs to win some much needed Booze and Hot Water!

It’s gonna get very smelly and a dam sight  more dirty in the coming days!

Dr. Brantiano Analyses the “BenChelle” theory

Hi Micky Brantiano (remember I’m not that shoe Doctor Lady!)
I’m back again after an extensive look down my microscope at the celebrity lab rats, I’ve hit upon an number of behavioural observations that might go some way to fuelling the imaginary love affair that is BenChelle.

Firstly what is BenChelle?

First noticed by Coolio - the love Doctor!

BenChelle is the outrageous claim that there might be something other than just friendship between Ben Adams and Ms Michelle Heaton.

Coolio put it that they were spending a considerable amount of their time together. (I think Coolio first observed this on the day, when they were placed together as part of a team on a daily task?!? - well observed Coolio.)

Anyways there maybe a reason why Coolio is like a ravenous dog with a big ass bone, on what is quickly becoming this years most contentious subject!

Why??? Because Coolio ain’t getting no lovin’ from the biiatches and I think he’s decided that if the girls won’t put out and show him some hot lovin’, then he’s gonna turn nasty on their asses!

We’ve already seen him turn dirty first with Lucy and now he’s got Miss Heaton is in his line of fire! And boy is he packin’

But lets not brand the man a Bully just yet! Don’t want him taking Jade’s title away from her just yet! Because to be honest the man just might have picked up on something! (other than the sent of pussay!)

You can’t really feel sorry for Heaton. She’s blubbering just a little bit tooooo much and making a little bit more of this, than laid back Ben Adam’s cares too???

So is Heaton trying to cover the fact that maybe just maybe she does have some naughty feelings for sing songwriter - whos worked with Alex from x-factor before anyone else - Ben from A1?

Is Heaton’s hourly face fountains being brought on by a sense of panic, that possible big brothers sinister editing team might actually have caught a few  sideways glances  and maybe even a licking of her lips and perhaps had them craftily cut up into a propaganda video montage backed with the soundtrack from the Love Boat?

Who knows? - well I do of course, because I’m the top doc in da country on dis kinda shinizzle of course!  - 24% of the time anyways!

Yeah fuck it, I’m gonna put my neck on the line and my bogus online bachelors degree with it and say that Michelle might well have a wee crush on Benny boy. Come Friday she might be the happiest girl ever to leave  Celebrity Big Brother as the viewing public will no doubt vote her out for being a big old drama queen.

Let’s hope she thinks it’s because we all hate her for being a cheatin biitch!

My work is done here!

‘BenChelle’ Controversey In Celebrity Big Brother House

Terry Christian isn’t mincing his words in the Big Brother house,
after the previous nights confession about Ulrika’s ”high
handed” behaviour he started day ten by addressing the situation
again, asking Ulrika if she was in a strop? After a brief
conversation in which Terry broke the original awkwardness with some
laughter things appeared to be diffused a little between him Ulrika,
but the motor mouth manc couldn’t leave it there and followed this up
with, ”I do think that you think you’re better than everyone else
though.” Boom, straight into the show, a show that Coolio didn’t
even dominate!

As the witches sat around the cauldron, and condemned Terry, is
Michelle being dragged into Tina and Ulrika’s clique? As the girls
offered words of support for Ulrika, Terry received some words of
support in the shape of Coolio, ”She dislikes you as much as she
dislikes me, she aint ever gonna forgive you”.

It appears paranoia is setting in too for some house mates, the
revelations that people had been talking about voting seems to have
left Latoya on edge. When discussing who she has bonded with she
struggled to mention anyone, and focussed more on not being able to
trust people, and that’s why she doesn’t have friends outside her
family. She speculated that there is a lot of eye talk going on in
the house and that Ulrika is playing a game, she claims she wants to
be voted out, but Latoya isn’t convinced, Latoya’s a Big Brother
veteran already, she’s rather clued up for a Jackson. Ulrika isolated
herself for most part of the day, whether that was to become more
boring so she is voted out or is she just  licking her wounds?
Well you know what they say, a wounded animal is the most dangerous.

Is it just me or is foul mouthed Tina ‘f**k**g’ Malone not all she
cracked up to be? I was expecting this dog to have a bite but there
is barely a bark. Granted she’s loud as hell but not once has she
confronted Coolio and she wasn’t as forthcoming to Terry as she’s
making Ulrika believe, she only seems brave when she’s sat on her bed
bitching with Ulrika. Eating her toe nails prompted my flat mate to
declare her the ”most vile human being on earth” harsh but at the
time it did seem fair.

As Tina made up English history for Latoya in the bathroom, the
‘World War Two’ knowledge was worrying, (nearly as bad as Ulrika
saying that if the Queen dies Charles becomes heir to the throne) the
conversation soon turned to BenChelle. Latoya asked, ”Have
you noticed two people are in love in here?” the two ladies
condemned the young ”friends” Latoya claiming ”they don’t know”
and that ‘’she is madly in love with him and he knows but is
playing it cool”. The two confirmed this would just be between
them two, and everyone watching.

Cut to Ben Adams and Michelle arm wrestling in the living room,
Michelle Heaton’s breasts slumped on the footrest as sly Tina
says, ”Ben will win, cos Michelle will succumb to him” and
then, ”She’s giving it all and he doesn’t care” this
insinuation was clocked by Michelle and Tina was quick to pretend she
was joking, if only Michelle knew that her friend Tina was dong twice
the damage Coolio could ever do to her relationship outside the
house.

The English test was quite funny, Verne as a Beefeater and Coolio
wearing a kilt were sublime touches and the electric shocks not
enough for big brother but Lycra outfits to boot, all in all
beautiful and funny TV, especially the last shock when no-one
expected it, fun for all the family until Tina exclaimed, ”I’m gonna
piss all over the floor”. The electric shocks must of tired people
out because it was an early night in the Celebrity Big Brother house,
not before Coolio managed to upset BenChelle again, prompting Ben to
finally grow some balls and voice off, in the privacy of the diary
room! Moaning how he hates loud people and claiming he is not
attracted to Michelle, ”It’s more friendship.”

The two faced swede who’d previously gossiped about Ben and Heaton
was on hand to offer support to the couple, saying its fine them
being friends, even though moments early she had been stoking Tina’s
fire by saying Ben was the spit of husband Andy Scott Lee!

Quote of the day was a close run thing between Coolio’s rubbish
poem, rap to big brother, and Tina’s emission to Terry, but Tina wins
hands down, after Terry’s suggestion that the younger ones would be
more interesting if it wasn’t for the oldies who are taking over the
house like him, Ulrika, Tommy, Coolio and Tina, suggesting they don’t
get a look in with these personalities, to which Tina replied,
”Because you and Coolio don’t shut up.” Pot, Kettle, T**t.

Is there love blossoming in the house?

With speculation mounting what do you think about Ben and
Michelle, personally i’m keeping my eyes on Terry and Coolio after
Terry’s admission that he loves the C man.