First look at the new Celebrity Lab Rats
So the lunatics have entered the asylum, and the papers were pretty spot on with the housemate predictions.
The music, Derley der de der de… Soon as you hear it you start to
cringe and become uncomfortable in your chair, what will they wear? will they stack it on the stairs? What will Davina wear? The crowd, massive, like a gladatorial arena, each celebrity judged and pre judged by their reputation and the VT, ensuing cheers occasionaly but boo’s almost ceartainly.
Baying for blood, praying for stars.
Its safe to say the first night delivered. Starting with Davina and her outfit!!? Woah! Was it Pete Burns’ gorillia coat? But she looked good again? Gets younger each year! Love or Hate her, just like Man United and Alex Fergusson, Or a Nice Pair of Gucci Heels and Gucci Bag, Davina and BB go hand in hand.
As she introduces the first victim to run the gauntlet of boos, role video, and Owwww its a Jackson! Following on from Jermaine’s apperance last year, up stepped Latoya Jackson, and to be honest it could of been Michael Jackson with a wig, they must have their own inhouse family surgeon because those triangle noses are definately the work of one guy surely?
They are like a production line of scary dolls.
But thats all i’ll say mean about are life size Mini Mouse. This girl ain’t got a bad bone in her body methinks, and stands to be a fascinating muse, she has no reference to real life, one of the few people whose known nothing other than huge fame, performing from the age of 4 she was the 5th Jackson born. She was completely shocked at Coolio being the first millionaire in his family!? and couldn’t comprehend, his parents only taking $60,000 dollar joint income annually, times is rough in the hood? In the first glimpse inside the house i became increasingly concerned for Latoya’s life outside the house. She mentioned how she only hangs around with her family, and said that the house is no worse than a prison? The Jackson prison?
She went on to say that this was the best thing to ever happen to her, something she may change her opinion about, and after talking about not having any kids she told Coolio that,
‘She never found the right person, never had the opportunity’. But she wasn’t too clueless, on reading the rule of first come first served bed arrangements she went straight for the private bedroom and plonked her bag down.
Watch this space, she will either go into her shell and be rather reclusive or she will embrace the games and will win alot of people over.
Most Likely to: Get wasted and shack up with Coolio.
Least Likely to: Pose for Playboy again
Next in was Mutya Buena, publicised as the house bitch, this talented tattooed songstress looked far from the glamourous girl we see in those sexy music videos, and it looked liked she’d made an effort aswell, could be a rough sight once the make-up and straightner credits run out!
Her VT stated she always finds herself in the middle of the bitching
if there is any!! Stating, ”you call me a bitch, i don’t care” people who say they dont care in my lapsed past always care, infact they tend to care the most! And the girl who claims she doesn’t care what people think of her, received the standard chorus of boo’s, but on entering the house let out a little whimper in response to the boo’s suggesting otherwise! She couldnt protest that shes laid back enough, but lazy people often claim to be laid back. She said that alcohol makes her do stupid things, i’m praying with all my heart that the stupid thing she does is Coolio, whose already sniffing around -offering to help her pack away her smalls. Also did catch a glimpse of her on the live big brother gazing at the gansta rapper like she was in paradise!
Most Likely to: Fail at a task and then kick off about not having luxury goods.
Least Likely to: Have a political debate with Tommy Sheridan.
Verne Troyer, or the pet of the house if you listened to Davina’s embaressing and disrespectful terms of endermeant entered next, the first to be cheered and adored, on not using the stairs, Davina heartlessly mentioned that this was the longest entrance ever, the guys the smallest man in the world nearly!? Said he was going to mix it up and play an evil role in the house, personally I cant see it myself he did seem so cute!! Joke, but its too early to tell if he’ll be upto any tricks, seemed quite funny on first glimpse,
mentioned his trips to the playboy house and immediately knew Coolio, could be some good stories to be told.
Most likely to: Get away with murder…
Least Likely to: Climb the fence.
Och eye, its Tommy Bloody Sheridan, socialist Tommy was next in the house and was shock horror boo’d into the house, probably a group of conservatives in the crowd, or maybe the mob just heard politician and assumed the worst. He said he likes conflict, and this is obvious to see he’s built a career on it. He entered the house completly uneffected by the booing and seemed very confident. The case pending with the News of The World sounded interesting, about his alleged PVC bondage dalliance but I’m sure its not my place to comment. The only sign of things to come with Tommy was that he said people in the house should make a pact to do things face to face if theres a problem, I think he maybe the father figure
in arguements, and try to be dimplomatic, took abit of a gorp at Ulrika when she entered, and he doesnt do it for me, rumour has it hes not bad for a man of his age!? Refreshingly addressed the issue of offering Verne help with aplomb after embarassingly offering to nearly wipe his arse for the first hour or so.
Most likely to: Upset someone with misunderstanding of his broad scottish accent.
Least likely to: Join up with Heaton and Buena and write a column for The Sun called the 5am girls.
Lucy Pinder was welcomed next, the highest paid glamour model about, was refreshingly well spoken and eloquent, spoke of her strong feeling of anti drugs and hates really thick people, she has strong Tory beliefs, hates liberals and probably doesn’t have any time for socialists like Tommy, maybe they will have late night theological debates in their knickers.
She was obviously booed by th BB crowd. I’ll be honest I fell into the trap of thinking that she would be a typical, Jordan, Jodie Marsh, type all baulshy and brash, but she was refreshingly astute, hope we get to see her tits!
Most likely to: Run for local MP.
Least likely to: Get elected.
Ben Adams, successful songwriter and producer, working with Alexandra Burke, and other recording artists, hates being in controlled environments and hates celeb hangouts, Ben Adams was next into the video controlled eleven man celebrity bungalow. Hmm? Why are you in there Adams? Tell the truth. But despite these issues he actually seemed quite grounded and took the piss out of himself. The smoker supposedly sat discussing drugs with Coolio according to Big Brother but then didnt seem to mention anything incriminating, drugs + kiss and tells to follow in the daily rags me thinks.
Nowhere on Adams’ Cv does it mention his acting ability!? Maybe he’s trying to premote a fledging career onscreen or stage, but his show reel
began last night, how he managed to keep a straight face whilst Coolio rapped at him sat in an oversized ashtray was beyond me - BAFTA stuff. Said his perfect partner would be Dawn French, a fat funny woman.
Most likely to: Release a single on leaving the house.
Least likely to: Have a number one hit.
Tina Malone bounced in next, self confessed fat funny woman, (Bet Adams can’t believe his bloody luck), claiming she has ocd and bi polar surely the house will only heighten these problems for her? How will she cope with the dirty demeanor of Coolio for a start. Not telling anyone she was going in the house she claimed her daughter would be creased up to see her in
the house, i’d be pissed off if my mum dissaperead on me for six weeks!!? She lost 4 stone in 2008 after having a gastric band fitted, and has since had it removed. Why?. T-Total after being in hospital fourteen years ago, she claims that she gives something up every year, maybe this year she gave her self dignity to the devil that is big brother! Tina mentioned that she can’t see the housemates falling out, unless they are deprived of sleep or food, has she never seen big brother? apparently likes sex, choclolate, sex, sex, chocolate and sex! Think I’m gonna be a celibate, choc-aphobe as my new years resolution.
Most likely to: Hand clean the grass.
Least likely to: Do a fitness video on exiting the house.
Coolio: Most famous for my hair and Gangsta’s Paradise the only member of the house with just one name, is still my favourite at this early stage.
The father of six claims that if it wasn’t for his kids he’d be dead or in jail.
Oh or getting fanned by two naked young girls… over 18! (he hastened to add) This guys a hero, claims he’s in the list of top ten lovers? Whose’s list??
What person slept with all the people on the list, and the people who didn’t make the list? Paris Hilton? Lindsay Lohan? He was first to ask who can cook, and will definately be causing trouble in the kitchen, with his “Peanut Butter Chicken Love”, his enthusiasm is going to grate with the british public and the housemates I think, but already he’s had me reeling. He’s commented on a couple of the ladies being cute in the house to big brother and already offered up information about his own sex life that had most of the prudish brits and reclusive LaToya, looking somewhat bashful, claiming ‘i can cook, clean, wash and sew, just so you know’ The editorial genius of BB may work against him, they already played him off looking abit stupid with the, ‘there’s always one ass in every group and I’ve not met him yet’ Is that because it’s you coolio!? I hope not, but the late night fart lap didnt help this case!!! Watch this space.
Most likely to: Be eveicted for the safety of the other female housemates.
Least likely to: Be boring.
Michelle Heaton, braced herself in the car as she exited to a cacophony of boo’s but she should be used to it, her whole life has played out in this arena, even stopping to saying hello to her mate Nikki Grahame - Big Brother ex house mate she must know from the c-list party scene. It would be easy for me to jump on the band wagon and slag her off, after all she epitomises everything thats wrong with this generation of make me famous quick wannabes, but that would be too easy, we need to look further than that.
She seemed very aware of people’s perceptions of her and dealt with this well, she was warts and all in her VT and explained how she put on two stone out of depression when her bands single didn’t do to well, a sign of things to come? I will now list a number of perfect cliches that became apparent in her brief apperance last night:
She seeked advice from Peter and Jordan about how to be on reality.
She was married to Andy Scott Lee another reality wannabe, they are now divorced.
Her heart is set on being Roxy in the west end stage show of Chicago.
All things that wind you up, but what we must remember is, she’s just a canny Geordie lass who likes nandos, curry and pizza, has a tendancy to moon, and is not as everyone seems to think a ‘pisshead’ but did have a glass of champagne in her hand before actually saying hello to anyone of her housemates!
Most likely to: Appear in zoo magazine
Least likely to: Appear in the west end as Roxy in Chicago.
Terry Christian, I don’t care what people say’ ‘fireproof’, the obnoxious Manc bowled in second to last and entered with an air of confidence booed by everyone he did seem fairly unaffected by it all, wants to play the loveable older brother in the house, more the annoying little brother, he may of chilled out in his old age because he already took a dig off Ulrika on the chin when being too clever and quoting a famous phrase. Ulrika told him no one was interested, he smiled on through but surely she won’t be allowed to get away with this more than twice!? And he retorted it was to clever for her, I think the fireworks are under Terry’s bed, and him being the first Head of House could indeed be fruitful! Watch this space.
Most likely to: Carry on regardless
Least likely to: Like Ulrika’s away with anymore rude put downs.
Ulrika Johnsson’s going to crack, shes going to lose it! Already said that it feels weird in the diary room, and exclaimed ‘Oh God’ when she was going to bed! Surely she will miss her four children, and they probably won’t appreciate being split up, all at they’re fathers homes!? Shes cracking jokes in public, and to be fair is a professional and plays upto the crowd well but wait for the diary room breakdowns and tears. But she will stick it out, knowing full well she wants the paycheck. (she’s apparently the highest paid housemate) Will be average viewing I think, until she breaks. Smatterings of her comic timming and tongue were about, it’s early days but lets hope she cracks soon and does a Le Dennis!!
Most likely to: Cry
Least likely to: Get on with everyone in the house and not complain about the conditions she is living in.
The bookies have the initial odds for the winner at:
Verne Troyer 19/10
Coolio 13/2
Ben Adams 7 /1
Terry Christian 7 /1
Tina Malone 14/1
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