Celebrity Big Brother Dares

I always feel robbed when the episode is amalgamated with bits of the previous nights live feed, and feel as though im repeating myself, but we did see some glimpses of Big Brothers genius last night, the reasons we love it so much, the dares. Each contestant having to man up and outdo each other, each task testing there humility, each dare utterly beautiful.

The show began with some beautiful words by the now tame and retiring Coolio, is he playing a game or has the removal of his enemies just calmed him down? We joined him in the diary room where BB grilled him about who he believed deserved to win the competition. He kept true to his American treaty and talked majestically about how, ‘Latyoa had become a butterfly, but she already was a butterfly and then she went into another cocoon and now she is another beautiful butterfly and Verne he to is a butterfly too and definitely not a cocoon, no he is a mosquito, actually a dragonfly cos they’re beautiful too” Either Coolio has smuggled some drugs in or we need to smuggle some in for him!!

The house mates must of sensed that it was Latoya’s last night because they chose to grill her on Wacko’s songs, what is dirty Diana about? and Billie Jean? Coolio seems to thing he will get to meet Janet and Mike and maybe even Tito who he used to be when they played Jackson 5. What? He played Jackson 5? What did that game entail, did his parents work him to the bone whilst making loads of money off it?

Turns out Coolio had been invited to neverland once but his car broke down and he couldn’t make it, more scarily Verne too had been invited!? Wonder why he chose not to go? Wise boy, I mean, man. Tommy also grilled poor Latoya about neverland and the rumours that Michael Jackson could no longer afford to keep it? Latoya seemed angered by all this in a typical Latoya way, so much so that you could nearly tell, but she did reveal that Jacko hadn’t been back to the ranch since his trial for accused child molestation.

Then it was into the dares, the bulk of the show. Big Brother revealed that for each dare completed the celebrities would win a token, and for each dare taken and not completed the contestant would be sent to jail. The celebs had to decide when and who would do the dares, with only Ulrika moaning about the potential embarrassment factor, asking ”Is no-one else nervous?” It fell upon fellow Manc Terry to step up to the plate as the other house mates didn’t exactly jump at the chance to do the first dare. Terry was sent into a room where a twenty odd stone man who had been sat on a exercise bike riding proffered his armpit. Terry had to lick it, rank, making him gag, as Ulrika claimed ”I’d of done that…That was easy, I’ll get a horrible one, bet you” then claiming Terry didn’t lick it, he just sniffed it, Fuck off Ulrika, seriously you are a nob.

The 2nd dare was just wrong, making a Jackson, pop royalty become a window licker, licking gentlemen’s relish was heinously wrong, yet slightly erotic, especially for Coolio as she described the taste and consistency, ”It’s so thick and salty” all wrong! But fair play to Latoya, nuff respect, once again she boshed of her task like everyone of them she was given, a truly beautiful cocoon like butterfly display.

Coolio and Verne had fairly easy tasks, Coolio dipping himself in a bath of soup and Verne blowing a balloon until it burst, Coolio needs to get used to these sort of stupid tasks for when him and Terry are presenting the Word. Coolio was a bit of a drama queen, and moaned he always gets the worst task. BB using the opportunity to make him look a prick by dressing him up in an awful swim suit. But then he showed us again that he is not just a gun shooting, hoe hollaring, G, as the rest of the house mates giggled at Verne whilst he attempted to blow up his Balloon it was only Coolio who offered to help him. Vote Coolio. Ulrika’s task was so lame we didn’t even get to watch it. Don’t Vote Ulrika.

Then came Adams, before he was called Coolio quizzed him whether he, ”Would eat fried dog penis?” Ben claiming it depended on how big it was. His actual task saw him having to kiss an old woman for five seconds on the lips, when he was told Ben, the legend, asked whether she was fit!? causing Coolio to scream at the big screen what surely everyone is feeling, ”I fucking hate that guy, cos he’s all nice and shit” and then after Ben thanked the old lady for the kiss, Coolio reiterated ‘I fucking hate him.” Funny, the other house mates presuming he was joking but he blatantly meant every word.

Tommy was last and having to down three shots of slush in under a minute, he suffered with brain freeze, a phenomena that seemed to be incomprehensible for Terry, as Ulrika patronised him, saying, ”We couldn’t afford Ice Cream” again accusing Terry of playing on his working class hero status, she’s such a vile person. Inevitably Tommy was sent to jail and not for the first time, but he got a slamming sleeping suit out of it!! That was mint. Check this shit out! http://www.amazon.co.uk/Lippi-Wearable-Sleeping-Version-GREEN-LARGE/dp/B001GCOEGC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=sports&qid=1232709181&sr=8-1

Just before Latoya was evicted Big Brother grilled her about her time in the house and she mentioned that how at the start every morning leaving her room was a challenge and that it scared her, mental how much she tested herself and she believes it has changed her for life, stuff like washing the dishes and clothes, stuff that she had in the past had other people do for her. Wow its great to see that BB can have a positive effect on peoples lives, and when asked whether she would clean her socks in the future when leaving the house she said, ‘no’ after a weird pause, so no change actually then, right, okay. When she was evicted it was nice to see Ulrika’s compassionate side re-emerge as Latoya headed for the door she shouted after her, ”If you see my husband tell him I love him” so selfless. As Verne claimed he thought she would win Ulrika was quick to say she didn’t.

Next to go was Tommy, and probably for the best as the male bonding was verging on homosexuality in that house, as he left Verne thanked him while Terry and Coolio complimented his exit outfit, abstractly Ulrika listened to the crowd reaction and practically came when they booed, considering they had been at loggerheads on a few occasions it boded well for her, something tells me Ulrika thinks she is going to win this show, and someone best prove me wrong.

After a few drinks Verne was bombing round the living quarters trying to run people down, standard, while Ulrika talked of her pride at being the last woman standing in the diary room, it was at this moment Coolio decided to grab Verne alone and plant the seed of hatred. With a drunk Verne at his mercy Coolio told him that Ulrika was well happy at Latoya being voted off. The show ended at that point but will Coolio enrage the ”mad dwarf” and leave tonight’s viewing with a little bit of bite.

Ulrika to win.

Jackson and Sheridan Evicted From The Celeb Big Brother House in Double Eviction.

And then there was five! The double eviction left me bewildered, not so much with surprise that Tommy and Latoya are no longer house mates, Tommy was a cert and Latoya is understandable yet unwarranted, but the shock came when hearing the crowd reactions to the remaining house mates! It scares me to hear Ben Adams name cheered!! What is there to cheer, both evictees said that Ben was sweet, a nice guy, we all know that nice guys don’t win and I really hope this one doesn’t.

It looks like Terry, my personal favourite, has done enough to enrage the mob, I know Boo’s are standard but I think his affiliation with Coolio may be detrimental to his chances of taking the title. I’ve personally been writing to channel 4 with regards to these two, and I’m demanding they bring back ”The Word” with Terry and Coolio presenting, they are hilarious together! Seems like Verne, bookies favourite from the start is set to take the title, granted he’s a nice guy who takes on the challenge of his disability great but has he been the most interesting and entertaining house mate?

Last nights show started with Ulrika finally admitting that she would be happy to make the final and that it would in fact make her feel proud. She is clearly enjoying the potential fact that she is loved outside the house, and for the first time last night after a live eviction she didn’t cry when not booted out, practically carrying Latoya to the door and offering Tommy a sympathetic pat on the back respectively. It appears she’s now relishing the challenge of taking on the boys, and with her perceptive awareness of the viewing public maybe she will play the feminist role and take the boys head on in the closing days!? Already playing the victim card, ”If I had a heart attack in the corner I don’t think anyone of them would know.” It was Ulrika don’t forget that caused the original division in the house. I pray she doesn’t win, but with women her age being the majority of the voting public, each night I sleep I cry a little at the thought of Queen Ulrika!

The shopping task had an American theme, due to the Inauguration of Obamma, this meant some fun tasks for the house mates to take on, A pie eating competition for Terry and Ulrika, looked positively disgusting, Ulrika eating a pie with no hands may help with those feminist votes though. Terry and Ulrika failed this task but were the only ones which meant the house mates have a luxury shopping budget for the last three days, surely with so fewer house mates and so much money booze will be in abundance, let the good times role Verne.

Ben and Latoya were given a rodeo task, how fun, they got to mess around on a bucking bronco for the majority of the day, but boring Ben on receiving the task was moaning, even attempting to make that guy banterful is impossible. ”Ben today we are going to give you a million pounds, seven lap dancers a puppy dog and a gun”, still Ben would manage to bore me.

Coolio and Verne took to the road with a route 66 themed bike challenge which saw big brother jump at the chance to dress up/down Verne again! The boys had to do 500 laps of a circuit constructed in the garden, with 74 laps taking an hour and Verne suffering from chronic pain when just walking surely Big Brother may have underestimated the severity of this task causing Verne to literally drop out, much against his will to receive special treatment, awwww bless, how cute. It must have taken Coolio about 4 hours to complete the 500 laps, and I’m sure the fellow contestants were indebted to BB for the break.

Tommy who lets be honest was a boring house mate now, apart from the embarrassing Dad, ‘yo man’ touch shit with Coolio, that stuff was cringe worthy even for Westwood. He had a task of hitting baseballs, which he did with aplomb, there is no doubting his competitive spirit which leads me to think that although he claimed to Davina he wasn’t disappointed to leave, I’m sure in his heart of hearts he would have loved to of won. The needle between him and Ulrika probably the best moments in the house, although he did look good when they dressed him up, and his Latoya impression made me giggle early doors. His parting gift to the house was a Burger and Fries meal for seven after he hit a home run during his challenge.

Oh no, his parting gift was a swipe at America which took a gloss off the inauguration ceremony for the American house mates. After the Americans had requested that they were allowed to watch this life changing moment claiming that no matter if you were black or white it was a massive day for Americans, as Coolio, Latoya and Verne sat on the chair, left to right like a perfect colour scheme for this statement. As the video played Coolio was full of pride, and tears were imminent, a pat on the back from even Ulrika showing the seriousness of this moment, the celebrities fell silent for the best part of half an hour, Coolio sat fist raised a ‘la Jessie James. Then came Tommy bounding in with, ”At long last a president you can be proud of’.” Latoya and Verne incensed by his comments, maybe its for the best that Tommy has gone, cos the next time Verne gets drunk be sure it will come up!

Coolio showed his sensitive side after laughing in front of his fellow squatters, going to the bedroom to cry to himself and later stating to big brother that, ”He’s never felt this way, about a grown man in his life” Maybe fuelling the rumours Tommy was trying to get going with Davina that Coolio was a gay, but Coolio redeemed his manly-ness with a heroic statement, ”…I’d take a bullet for him”.

Tommy maybe shouldn’t be throwing out gay slurs considering his interview consisted of, ”I’ve played football my whole life, I like hanging around with other men.” and that, ”Ben’s a lovely looking guy.”

At this point I would like to lay salute to Latoya, who took on every task with vigour and I think she was great. I don’t think she would of minded staying there for another month and I expect her to have a ten minute slot on the Terry and Coolio show in which she is given a new task every week, there will also be a ten minute slot which involves Verne, a free bar, a donkey and some blow up dolls.

Chow!

Celeb Big Brother - The Movie

Yesterday’s task saw Big Brother challenge the housemates to film, direct and star in the very first Big Brother - The Movie.

Verne nearly missed the announcement after the Chili eating exploits from the night before, forced him to make an extra special long trip to the crapper.

What he didn’t need, after first having Coolio knock on the door to hurry him along was for petite lady Latoya quietly whispering through the door as to Vernes progress or his eta - estimated turd arrival

Anyways poor Verne emerged to a room full of giggling housemates and Coolio’s ever so discreet bellow ” want some ice for that!” But within only a matter on seconds poor Verne sped off at high speed, on his buggy, as another session of red hot chili ‘toilet’ peppering was imminent!

Probably the quote of the day was from Michelle Heaton on Verne’s marathon shitting session, who tactlessly blurted out:

“Who would have thought, he’d have that much shit in him?!”

She did however redeem this thoughtless quip with a very insightful prediction that as they’d be all dressed up for the fake premier viewing of the Celebrity Big Brother Movie that it would be interrupted mid way through by Davina and a surprise eviction! Spot on, now get your coat!

Back to the task and on Verne’s arrival back from the rest room he was immediately voted to be the Director of Big Brother the Movie.
So with video camera perched skillfully on his legs he began filming each housemate entering the big brother house.
Most of which was fairly uneventful bar the fact that Ulrika had a sly dig AGAIN at Terry’s branding of her as being the housemate with the biggest ego and faked a weird limp as if she was struggling to carry it.
This was the first indication that Ulrika had possibly slumped out of the wrong side of the bed.

It didn’t stop there as next was when Big Brother gave her a mini task whereby she could only speak in Swedish until Big Brother said otherwise and she immediately took advantage of this and was translated as saying “good I hate all of you!”

Followed up by an interview later on in the Diary Room. Where she stated that she didn’t think she should be there anymore and that the house dynamics had changed! Which to me translated as she doesn’t like any of the remaining housemates.

Anyway back to the Movie and each person had to prance about filling in their part in the Big Brother story so far, making a point of re-enacting any key flash points of their time in the house so far.
Which obviously involved some of the housemates having to step in and play the part of their now former housemates. (Tina, Mutya and Lucy)

Terry’s impression of Tina ffing and jeffin went down a storm with the on looking and laughing celebs (with a large cushion under his jumper, not the nicest of ways to portray your friend now was it Terry)

Then when a scene came about, which required a body double for Mutya, the housemates took the unusual decision to use a toy baby to stand in as the former suga BABE. (ahhhhhh, it’s just clicked!)

Verne then jumped from behind the Camera to do a weird cameo which ended in him sat in a high chair and deciding to do the freaking out like a baby impression which sounded as though he did this regularly.
It was really weird and very like a baby, but with wrinkles and facial hair!?

Verne didn’t stop there with his weirdness as later when re-inacting his pissed up antics of the other night, decided to us the baby doll Mutya to perform a super scary snogging re-inactment!
But Verne that didn’t actually happen now did it? and yet your sucking the face off that plastic doll!
Lot’s of concern looks and nervous laughter from the rest of his housemates as he man handled this poor defenseless Tiny Tears.
Hence, several complaints to Channel 4 today!

Ben finally felt it was time to take the piss out of Michelle and the whole BenChelle saga, by implying that she’d miss his flirting if she were to leave tonight. Much to Tommy’s enjoyment!
(Pity Tommy can’t entertain me in the slightest, god that man is boring.)

Two other micro tasks of mention was Coolio and Terry having to cuddle until further notice! This in the end went on for quite some time with Coolio really not digging this very non macho setup and Terry only adding to Coolios uncomfort by pretending to like it a bit too much.

Finally Latoya was forced to repeat everything that her housemates came out with! A golden opportunity to make another Jackson family member announce that they liked sleeping with kids, missed here!

The most this gormless bunch could produce was from MH again!
” I’m dying for a poo”

Where’s the likes of Avid Merion and Sacha Baron Cohen when you need them!

Verne finally finishes filming and handed in the camera for editing and before long the Celebs are all sat around the Television in their glad rags. And just as ‘The Oracle’ - Michelle Heaton had predicted, the film came to a sudden end and with it so did Ms Heatons time in the house. She looked a little gutted to be going, so much so that she nearly forgot to say goodbye to Latoya as she nervously bumbled her way to the exit.

After Michelles eviction what became of poor Ben? Well he did go into the diary room and mention that he felt that he has nobody to talk to now as he doesn’t really fit in with the lads. Although quick to point out they didn’t make him feel unwanted but he just didn’t click with any of them and purposely distanced himself from them whenever Coolio would walk the fine line of decency.

Coolio also took to the Diary Room and actually stated that he was gutted Michelle had gone and that he felt sorry for Ulrika.
(I just wanted to grab him by his graying braids as scream don’t feel too sorry for her, she’s fucked off to bed early because she can’t stand any of you.)

The day’s events end with the housemates sat round pretending to hold fake eviction interviews, which was very funny to watch as Terry and Verne both pushed their jokes to the point of serious and Ben and Coolio respectively weren’t sure how to take the abuse.

Another average day in the life of the housemate really!

Super Celeb Special Surprise Eviction

Wowsers, so the housemates were woken up sunday morning by those dulcet tones of big bro with the knowledge that they would be nominating that very morning! No time to put their makeup on or anything!

First bleary eyed housemate to nominate was the Ben part of Benchelle. Feminine ben nomitated “sexist” coolio and Ulrika claiming that she rules the roost. Feeling threatened perhaps? Seems like theres only room for one hen in this hen pen, eh ben?

Its seems that swedish bird Ulrika has ruffeled a few more feathers too, being the housemate who recieved the most nominations this week. The other celebs feeling hen-pecked were; (sorry had to get all those chicken puns out of my system) Coolio, Latoya, Tommy and the Verne. They all pretty much gave the same reasons and the general feeling is that we - that is the celebrity big brother housemates and us the mere voting underlings - are worn down by cock-sure-Ulrika Jonsonn and her overbearing manner (Sorry ive really over egged the chicken puns, whoops!) For this very factor we delight in the fact that she is definately with us till wednesday’s next eviction because the sadists in us like to see her suffer for every penny of her astronomical fee.

Instead you got rid of the flotsam and jetsam (the wetter half of Benchellle) that is Michelle Heaton. It seems that Coolio is getting his way and seeing off all of the “bitches and hoes” that have de-glossed his shine over the past fortnight. So at davina’s announcement Michelle Heaton was straight out and into her defensive mode. I mean game plan or not the theres no denying the girl (sorry 29-year-old woman) had a hard time in the house but she brings it upon herself! In her interview she realised her ex-ally mucky-mouthed-malone was more foe than friend, fuelling the fires of the benchelle debacle. Heaton said she knew that tina would be bitching behind peoples back because “thats the type of character she was” but really they could never have been the best of friends what with Heatons early comparison of tina to the ogre in shrek.

To be honest im already bored writing about Michelle Heaton, it’s much like watching her on celeb bb. Lets just say i wont miss the the non controversy that was benchelle, I won’t miss her inssesent crying, and given her awful singing in her earlier tasks look like the only time ill have to encounter heaton again will be when I ingest my weekly dose of nut and/or zoo.

Just another speck of gold dust to add to the celeb big brother mix is the scientist side of Coolio the “Bully” that we saw last night. I was loving the conversation that he and terry had about climate change (how very topical boys!) It was less about terry’s average sceptical view that corporate companies - largely responsible for the change - want us to believe that global warming isnt real and not is actually happening. It is MUCH more about Coolio’s psychadelic view that we are tripping into a new “water age.” That things are gonna get hotter and wetter (i’m sure coolio will love that) and that these changes have been happening throughout the whole of time. Rapper Coolio also revealed method to his madness saying that his cousin and he know about this sort of “stuff” because they had studied into this “age of aquairius”. It left me teetering on the brink of a revelation, is coolio’s cousin our own Professor Micky B?!

The chilli challenge has to be mentioned but only in passing because you all watched the wondrous spectacle for yourselves, and if you didnt? Shame on you! I suggest a brisk youtube sesh to get you up to speed and as punishment for you having a life. Whilst there checkout the original chilli challenge on last years bb blind contestant Mikey. Classic

And as a final note if you miss anymore big brother because of your “life” Ill get officer Latoya Jackson on your ass! I know what a revelation! The sweetest little housemate (no im not talking about verne) ms. letoya jackson used to carry a gun and make arrests! Albeit for another reality tv show but still! Coolio was aroused by it methinks and it made me see her in a different light but im still not sure. Wouldnt it be a bit like Seargant Laverne Hooks AKA Marion Ramsey offa police academy making an arrest on ya?! Right I think all last night shenanigans have been covered, surely? If ive missed anything or you have something you’d like to contribute please feel free as a bird

With the voting now placing emhpasis on who you want to win make sure you vote for your winner before celebrity big brothers 2009 supercalafragilisticexpialidocious surprise with bells on eviction come wednesday.

Byesies

Celebrity Big Brother Weekend Update

Wow, what another mad weekend in the Celeb Big Brother house, and with a live eviction tomorrow the house is poised for turmoil. Tina Malone was voted out on Friday, probably by the whole of Liverpool, whose ‘city of culture 2008′ success was obliterated by one woman with a foul mouth and a foul standard of hygiene and a miserable standard of manners.

Tina was a cert to be evicted on friday for me, the gobby scouser was flat out annoying, and when it counted she didn’t stand up, fact! She finally ‘cracked’ with Coolio but it was hardly a dressing down for the big man, all in all she must be upset with her performance and looking back embarasses that bitching in bed was as acid tongued as she got. But I’m sure she’ll do well out of the aftermath, Zoo and Nuts are already in a bidding war apparently for the first shots of her ‘cracking arse’. The ‘beauty’ of Tina’s eviction, her thunder was completely stolen by morbid Mutya’s announcement that she was going to walk just hours later. All the papers were more interested in her than Tina, so not only was she voted out second, no one gave a F**king, B*****d S**t! Harsh.

Big Brother, as astute and devious as ever jumped on the natural divide that had emerged in the house and decided the best way to bridge the gap that was appearing between the boys and the girls would be to make them fight it out in a battle of the sexes. The best task had to be the ‘non tarantula’ task which the boys made me laugh and the girls made me smile, (Latoya and Heaton in close proximity). Dissapointing were the three witches who flat refused to join in!

So the power in the house has swayed over the first few weeks, and with the three witches reduced to just one wicked witch, Ulrika is finding herself very isolated, last nights show seemingly hinting that people are growing in frustration with the swede, Tommy’s at the end of his tether and Terry’s tired of her too, Latoya’s suspicious and Coolio’s cursed her, surely her days in the house are numbered, the C-man has seen off Pinder, Malone and without meaning to Mutya? Although he’s been completely harsh and at times a ‘bully’ he is also very vulnerable and last night admitted ‘he’d rather be loved than feared’ in a reverse of the famous quote that someone said and that Ice Cube used. The question is, ‘Is Coolio playing the game better than anyone else?’ I know that the only person I want to see at the end of it all is Jeffrey Franklin Roosvelt Bodaine , aka The Cook.

The Celebrity Big Brother house also kept me laughing over the weekend and the most talked about event has to be Verne Troyer wasted, whether it was Vernes drunk sleazy lines on Latoya, his gay, pissed cummon to boring boyband Ben Adams beautiful eyes, or Troyers drunk driving ram raid of the diary room that made you crease with laughter, I know for me it was the aftermath. When he woke up the next day, rubbing his head, the shame of last night jogging round his head as Terry and Tommy liberated him off his amnesia, that sinking feeling we’ve all had, horror and disappear, waking up in your own bed when the last thing you remember was charming and entertaining your peers with witty ditty’s and loving the disposable aspirin touch from big brother, brilliant. Latoya was impressive at dealing with the wee man’s advances, but when you’ve fended of Coolio’s best advances then Verne’s, well, small time.

The BenChelle debate has seemingly been put to bed for the meantime, as caring Coolio emerged, but Michelle doesn’t help her case, and the housemates are growing bored of her tears, 28 years old was a revelation, I thought she was 12!! The celebrities did a musical rap/song together which was as every, amusing, Tommy looked fantasticly awful in his glam rock wig and jacket and unfortunately sounded as awful, and the rehersals seen Ulrika’s maternal side we here so much about from her fellow housemates coming to the surface as she nearly garroted poor Terry for getting in her shot.

I like Latoya but isn’t she very wise to the big brother games? Considering she claims never to have watched the show she is very aware of Michelle’s ‘victim role’ and also Ulrika’s ‘I want to be voted out’ spiel. And she has no bones about telling people her thoughts, is she being vindictive? Or is she being sincere!? Is she playing her own game?

As well as the sex divide in the big brother house, is there an American/British divide going on? The yanks definitely seem to have each others backs in the house, where as the Brits seem more likely to stab each others backs before anything else.

Coolio has a cook book coming out, apparently.

So would love to hear what you guys think? (Not about Coolio’s book) Whose going out next? There is a live eviction tonight I believe, but whose been voting? I don’t know what the cause for eviction is. Whose playing games? Who has the most power in the house?

Who do you want to win?

Favourites emerging for me are Terry, Latoya and Verne, surely Coolio can’t win can he?

Quote of the Day 14: Coolio Classic

Coolio to Verne, ”Hey cous, do you fancy a wrestle?”

Coolio bully or bullied?

As Coolio turns up the heat in the house for a further day, Big Brother finally calls him in as the B word is uttered by more than one or two of the Celeb Big Brother Housemates on Day 14.

Big Brother issued an early morning 2 - day task probably in an attempt to distract Coolio from winding up his fellow house mates and possibly saving their sanity.

The Task consisted of all of the housemates dressing up as life size toys!

Coolio and Tommy were dressed as Toy Cars
They had to go through a make shift car wash where they were squirted with water and foam which will no doubt get to Coolio as that shit just ain’t gangster enough. Think he might have to car jack Tommy to keep his credibility in tact! Having the cars strapped to themselves wore very thin on their patience and the thought of sleeping in them lead Coolio to state that he thought they should tell Big Brother to Fuck Off!

Tina and Terry were Ballerinas in a toy music box.
Terry, making no effort to suck it up, even slipped a bit of nipple for the ladies watchin out there!
Poor Tina’s wasn’t given the luxury of an oversized Tutu to help distract from her love handles either with tight leotards the order of the day for this pairing!

Michelle Heaton and Verne Troyer were given Teddy Bear costumes and were challenged to eat a large tub of Honey in under four hours. With Heaton letting rip with a flurry of bottom burps it looked as though she couldn’t literally couldn’t bear to eat any more and complained that she’d be sick before the 4 hours were up. Verne reminded me of a certain bear from Hamstead Heath exept Chelle didn’t manage to make his tail pop out!

The others had tasks set for the next day.

Ulrika - Pocahontas
LaToya - Toy Solider
Ben - A Dinosaur (Coolio ” Nah he be a Weaksaurus?!?)
Mutya - A Toy Doll

Another rule of the Task involved all of the house mates and was signalled by the noise of Children being played over the speakers. When this happened all of the Celebrity Toys must run into the toy box and keep still.

What most of the mothers in the house did not know is that big brother actually sent in real children to run around the box making a really annoying sound. This of course effected the mothers and they cried for this reminded them of their own noisy kids back home.

Mutya spoke! She has really started to come out of her shell and it’s only taken the best part of 2 weeks! She hissed that Big Brother was making Clowns of them all. However there wasn’t any actual Clowns amoung them, unless MJ had snuck in when those kids were running round screaming???

ANYWAYS!

After the Toy task novelty had started to wear off Coolio started to turn on, the attack that is!  The nominations were broadcasted to the housemate later on in the day. Any the Ladies took a hell of a beating!

Everyone of them bar the pointy nosed playboy pinup, were up for eviction, and not one of them took the news well. Each one putting on a completely transparent “Yes that’s exactly what I wanted to happen face!” with Tina even managing to throw out a rather half hearted air punch of delight.

But there’s a certain facial expression that us humans simply cannot  hide (no matter how much botox has been rammed into their Chevy Chase)
The look that says! Which back stabbing FUCKER doesn’t like me in this room!

This look seems to be accentuated in Celebrities as their ego’s fuel the spasms in their facial muscles making all sorts of wrinkles where wrinkles shouldn’t be!

What followed was a flurry of lame excused from the most effected of the foursome, Tina stated that she didn’t stand a chance of winning as only nice people ever win Big Brother.

Followed by Ulrika stating that being nominated was a doubled edged sword in that she really wanted to go but was still peeved that someone had taken enough of a dislike to her to put her up in the first place!

Coolio breaking the tension with an outburst that Big Brother must have removed him from the list of nominees as a punishment as he expected to be named!

Before resuming normal proceedings by getting up into the faces of Ulrika and Michelle singing that they be taking their asses out of here!

Which lead to the B word being uttered!
First Ulrika and then a teary eyed Michelle calling Coolio, vile, intimidating and a BULLY.

Straight into the Diary Room for Coolio as Big Brother/Producers started to flap as no doubt the phones in the offices started to ring off the hook with complaints directed at Coolios not so cool behaviour.

Only for Coolio to drop the bombshell that he himself was bullied as a child and that there was no way he’d inflict that on another housemate having been mentally scarred by this as a child.

He got the customary slap of the wrist to which he retorted that it was complete bullshit and that he would just have to resort to being completely quiet. He then proceeded to burst out of the Diary Room and announce to the house “Coolio is shutting it down, I’m in my shell, consider me a Turtle!”
Followed by an Elvis like goodbye “Ladies and Gentlemen, Coolio’s personality has left the building”

Next followed a quick word in the ear for Heaton from Big Brother and she was asked if she’d consider talking things over with Coolio, resisting at first but finally smoothing things over - for now!

However Coolio still has it in for Ulrika stating that she doesn’t like him and that she talks about him behind his back. Fighting talk watch this space!

All the while this is going on Verne in his electric cart decide to challenge Tommy dressed as a car, to some sort of fucked up drag race which was mildly amusing.

With Honey still in the pot and with the cars not making it to be washed once already this looks like another lost chance for the celebs to win some much needed Booze and Hot Water!

It’s gonna get very smelly and a dam sight  more dirty in the coming days!

Dr. Brantiano Analyses the “BenChelle” theory

Hi Micky Brantiano (remember I’m not that shoe Doctor Lady!)
I’m back again after an extensive look down my microscope at the celebrity lab rats, I’ve hit upon an number of behavioural observations that might go some way to fuelling the imaginary love affair that is BenChelle.

Firstly what is BenChelle?

First noticed by Coolio - the love Doctor!

BenChelle is the outrageous claim that there might be something other than just friendship between Ben Adams and Ms Michelle Heaton.

Coolio put it that they were spending a considerable amount of their time together. (I think Coolio first observed this on the day, when they were placed together as part of a team on a daily task?!? - well observed Coolio.)

Anyways there maybe a reason why Coolio is like a ravenous dog with a big ass bone, on what is quickly becoming this years most contentious subject!

Why??? Because Coolio ain’t getting no lovin’ from the biiatches and I think he’s decided that if the girls won’t put out and show him some hot lovin’, then he’s gonna turn nasty on their asses!

We’ve already seen him turn dirty first with Lucy and now he’s got Miss Heaton is in his line of fire! And boy is he packin’

But lets not brand the man a Bully just yet! Don’t want him taking Jade’s title away from her just yet! Because to be honest the man just might have picked up on something! (other than the sent of pussay!)

You can’t really feel sorry for Heaton. She’s blubbering just a little bit tooooo much and making a little bit more of this, than laid back Ben Adam’s cares too???

So is Heaton trying to cover the fact that maybe just maybe she does have some naughty feelings for sing songwriter - whos worked with Alex from x-factor before anyone else - Ben from A1?

Is Heaton’s hourly face fountains being brought on by a sense of panic, that possible big brothers sinister editing team might actually have caught a few  sideways glances  and maybe even a licking of her lips and perhaps had them craftily cut up into a propaganda video montage backed with the soundtrack from the Love Boat?

Who knows? - well I do of course, because I’m the top doc in da country on dis kinda shinizzle of course!  - 24% of the time anyways!

Yeah fuck it, I’m gonna put my neck on the line and my bogus online bachelors degree with it and say that Michelle might well have a wee crush on Benny boy. Come Friday she might be the happiest girl ever to leave  Celebrity Big Brother as the viewing public will no doubt vote her out for being a big old drama queen.

Let’s hope she thinks it’s because we all hate her for being a cheatin biitch!

My work is done here!

‘BenChelle’ Controversey In Celebrity Big Brother House

Terry Christian isn’t mincing his words in the Big Brother house,
after the previous nights confession about Ulrika’s ”high
handed” behaviour he started day ten by addressing the situation
again, asking Ulrika if she was in a strop? After a brief
conversation in which Terry broke the original awkwardness with some
laughter things appeared to be diffused a little between him Ulrika,
but the motor mouth manc couldn’t leave it there and followed this up
with, ”I do think that you think you’re better than everyone else
though.” Boom, straight into the show, a show that Coolio didn’t
even dominate!

As the witches sat around the cauldron, and condemned Terry, is
Michelle being dragged into Tina and Ulrika’s clique? As the girls
offered words of support for Ulrika, Terry received some words of
support in the shape of Coolio, ”She dislikes you as much as she
dislikes me, she aint ever gonna forgive you”.

It appears paranoia is setting in too for some house mates, the
revelations that people had been talking about voting seems to have
left Latoya on edge. When discussing who she has bonded with she
struggled to mention anyone, and focussed more on not being able to
trust people, and that’s why she doesn’t have friends outside her
family. She speculated that there is a lot of eye talk going on in
the house and that Ulrika is playing a game, she claims she wants to
be voted out, but Latoya isn’t convinced, Latoya’s a Big Brother
veteran already, she’s rather clued up for a Jackson. Ulrika isolated
herself for most part of the day, whether that was to become more
boring so she is voted out or is she just  licking her wounds?
Well you know what they say, a wounded animal is the most dangerous.

Is it just me or is foul mouthed Tina ‘f**k**g’ Malone not all she
cracked up to be? I was expecting this dog to have a bite but there
is barely a bark. Granted she’s loud as hell but not once has she
confronted Coolio and she wasn’t as forthcoming to Terry as she’s
making Ulrika believe, she only seems brave when she’s sat on her bed
bitching with Ulrika. Eating her toe nails prompted my flat mate to
declare her the ”most vile human being on earth” harsh but at the
time it did seem fair.

As Tina made up English history for Latoya in the bathroom, the
‘World War Two’ knowledge was worrying, (nearly as bad as Ulrika
saying that if the Queen dies Charles becomes heir to the throne) the
conversation soon turned to BenChelle. Latoya asked, ”Have
you noticed two people are in love in here?” the two ladies
condemned the young ”friends” Latoya claiming ”they don’t know”
and that ‘’she is madly in love with him and he knows but is
playing it cool”. The two confirmed this would just be between
them two, and everyone watching.

Cut to Ben Adams and Michelle arm wrestling in the living room,
Michelle Heaton’s breasts slumped on the footrest as sly Tina
says, ”Ben will win, cos Michelle will succumb to him” and
then, ”She’s giving it all and he doesn’t care” this
insinuation was clocked by Michelle and Tina was quick to pretend she
was joking, if only Michelle knew that her friend Tina was dong twice
the damage Coolio could ever do to her relationship outside the
house.

The English test was quite funny, Verne as a Beefeater and Coolio
wearing a kilt were sublime touches and the electric shocks not
enough for big brother but Lycra outfits to boot, all in all
beautiful and funny TV, especially the last shock when no-one
expected it, fun for all the family until Tina exclaimed, ”I’m gonna
piss all over the floor”. The electric shocks must of tired people
out because it was an early night in the Celebrity Big Brother house,
not before Coolio managed to upset BenChelle again, prompting Ben to
finally grow some balls and voice off, in the privacy of the diary
room! Moaning how he hates loud people and claiming he is not
attracted to Michelle, ”It’s more friendship.”

The two faced swede who’d previously gossiped about Ben and Heaton
was on hand to offer support to the couple, saying its fine them
being friends, even though moments early she had been stoking Tina’s
fire by saying Ben was the spit of husband Andy Scott Lee!

Quote of the day was a close run thing between Coolio’s rubbish
poem, rap to big brother, and Tina’s emission to Terry, but Tina wins
hands down, after Terry’s suggestion that the younger ones would be
more interesting if it wasn’t for the oldies who are taking over the
house like him, Ulrika, Tommy, Coolio and Tina, suggesting they don’t
get a look in with these personalities, to which Tina replied,
”Because you and Coolio don’t shut up.” Pot, Kettle, T**t.

Is there love blossoming in the house?

With speculation mounting what do you think about Ben and
Michelle, personally i’m keeping my eyes on Terry and Coolio after
Terry’s admission that he loves the C man.

Lucy Pinder Leaves As Cracks Start to Show

Wow, what a weekend! When I last reported it was becoming clear that Coolio was beginning to try the patience of the other housemates, by god that boy’s a tryer, him Jeffery Bodaine.  Some ingenious Big Brother producing has led to some great visual and physical tasks over the weekend. And Friday’s Live show confirmed what we all suspected, when Lucy Pinder was evicted and interviewed by Davina she removed all doubt of any miss favoured editing from Bg Brother, she was simply BORING.

The Celebrities tasks were awesome, especially the Papparazzi task which saw Coolio admitting to Big Bro that he was deliberately trying to test his fellow housemates in order to get them to leave the house. He annoyed the hell out of his two taskmates, causing Pinder to cry, but Tina ”I tell it how (some expletive or other) it is’ Malone was silent as a mouse and has yet to say anything about Coolio, to his face, but she never stops bitching about him with the rest of the girls behind his back. Ulrika and Michelle have decided to take on Coolio in a more tete a’la tete approach with some full on arguments.

What was evident when Lucy Pinder came out was the amount of physical abuse Coolio is supposedly referencing towards women, which Davina and Big Brother’s Little Brother George Lamb seemed quick to hush her, in both of her interviews, both George and Davina claiming that they are all in jest, is there more to this story!? Pinder made reference to Coolio threatening to elbow her in the face, none of which makes the channel 4 shows in the evening.

As groups will inevitably form in Celeb big brother house, in Latoya does Coolio have an friend!? It’s tough to tell? But she was quick to spill the beans ‘in code’ about whose been bitching about Coolio in the house, to which he returned the favour, claiming Ulrika doesn’t like Latoya, and how she keeps tidying things away, something we’ve never seen on screen. Is Coolio stirring up shit, most definitely! Coolio told Latoya that he was going to make people walk out of the house, and she seemed impressed with his game plan.

Tina was her enigmatic self  when telling Lucy Pinder that she had given her the most joy in the house to date when she berated Coolio claiming, ”I nearly shit, piss and vomited myself when you said Coolio was the most annoying person you’d ever met.” She really is a national treasure aint she? What I don’t get is why she is yet to confront Coolio? Is it all building up and going to come out in one giant crescendo or is she intimidated since Coolio asked her ”Has anyone every been hurt in here, like seriously hurt?” whilst mangling his wet clothes, threats that would resonate with Tina’s on screen Shameless character.

The ”call on me” task generated even further tension in the house, when rehearsing the moves that they would later be tested on Coolio and Tommy sat out fearing the humiliation, Coolio saying that this sort of shit wasn’t good for his street credit (fast forward a couple of hours to see Coolio dressed in Lycra and make up). When Coolio did finally join in with practice it was worth the wait as he once again touched on the ‘BenChelle’ saga, (can’t believe they’ve given the media a name to use when stirring the pot). Coolio made both Ben and Michelle Heaton furious when he told Michelle that Ben was starring at her arse during the dance session. Hilarious TV making Ben crumple with embarrassment, he later approached Coolio on the subject, asking him to stop. Coolio this time claimed the reason why he picked on Ben is because everyone outside the house will love him and if he picks on him they will vote Coolio out!? A change of tact by the Big Man then? Just what is Coolio’s game plan.

Although Coolio is mixing it up, it was nothing on the spat that seems to be emerging between, new found legend Terry Christian and fellow alpha male Ulrika. After winning three tokens in the hilarious dance video task, (Coolio, Verne and Terry all brilliant) a task which Ulrika ran with strict rule. It was a task which went well, but the fallout led to two tokens be exhumed for bitchy whispers about voting. It was Terry who had the first one taken for saying to Tina Malone that he thought Ulrika was aloof from the rest of the housemates and it was probably to do with her fee, he then said that maybe she was doing it to piss people of so they’d vote for her but he wouldn’t be doing so. When Terry was called to the diary room to collect the three tokens he was given two and a telling off. Rather than say that he’d had a token taken for talk about nominations and shy away from the truth he came out told Ulrika it was when he was bitching about her to Tina and didn’t hold back! Tina who instantly tried to rid her name of any ill feeling claimed that she’d defended Ulrika, from what we seen she kept pretty quiet when Terry expressed his views.

So it appears the house is slowly falling apart, with Coolio annoying people and straight talking Terry calling Ulrika out twice for being an ego-maniac and now aloof surely there will be fireworks as the house split into factions. Ulrika who cried her eyes out on eviction night when she failed to be evicted will be the first to crack under the pressure and with pit bull Malone by her side Terry Christian may need to seek friends.

At this early stage its hard to tell how others feel but the people who seemed to have impressed prior to original misconceptions are Terry and Latoya, joining them as early favourites must be Verne, and maybe sadly boyband Ben!